Why write?

I can't put my finger on it. For some reason I get on the train / tube every morning (ok, only recently) and I tap some words into my blackberry, mail it off, and hopefully someone reads it. Although, that last bit doesn't have any influence over the effort it takes to write in the first place.

For over a year I have travelled on this train reading the news, and generally not doing much. I hope this is a more worthwhile use of my time, but I'm not sure it is.

So, it started last week. I have got incredibly bad at replying to mail. I get so much of it that I can't track it all, and things get forgotten. Except they don't. I have a reasonably good filing system, and that takes care of most of the dross and informational mails, so the ones I need to reply to still sit in my inbox. Hounding me. Taunting me with their unreplyedness. Last week I answered a couple!

It didn't take long, but I did write quite a bit. And I enjoyed it. The chance to put my thoughts in order, to write something down. My life has changed so much in the last couple of years, and so much of what I do is transient. I flit from one thing to another like a humingbird, carrying huge amounts of stuff around in my head, or quickly scribbled notes in my notepad. I move from one agenda to another; each one wanting to know what I'm doing for them. Balancing priorities and deliverables. Somehow it all works; things get done, most of the people I deliver to are happy most of the time. My mind is a mess though.

I've always had the ability to context switch. Order my thoughts, file them, and recall them instantly. Even if I was working on something completely different. Just file, save, recall, go! That ability is being pushed to its limit now. Some things are slipping. The recall is flaky, or partial. I'm learning to cope. To rely on other people to take their bit of responsibility. It's difficult. It's a large change for me. Fixing computers, then servers, or even delivering large tech projects was easy. Finite variables that could be made firm, and delivered to. Life is now shades of grey. Variables stay variable. I can't control everything.

So this blog let's me put something down. To crystalise a thought (although not very well as this post demonstrates!). For the moment, that's enough. A small amount of control in my otherwise uncontrollable day.
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